(my apologies for the choppiness or incoherence of this explanation... kind of tired when writing)
Maybe you aren't like me but here's my issue... I actually have to try to be good. Being mediocre or being selfish or being hurtful or making toxic decisions seems to come so naturally to me. My natural proclivity is to move towards brokenness. Maybe the astrophysicists are right - maybe all things in this universe struggle through a state of entropy, naturally breaking down. I think this is even true in a metaphysical sense because if you examine my experience, my soul, my heart, my emotions and my life naturally move to this place of brokenness. There is a real effort needed to overcome, a real struggle to succeed. Life is not effortless.
But here's what else I know about me. As I come before God and say as David says in Psalm 26, "Search me and know me, oh God..." I begin to heal. All the self-inflicted wounds, all the scars from when life pressed against me so hard I broke, all the bitterness and self-loathing begin to melt because of this movement. At the root of this movement is desire, as desire seems to be at the root of all movement; and so I've understood this movement to be faith because it is the movement towards who God longs for me to become. So this movement is particularly unique because the catalyst is the breath of new life that God breathes into my soul by way of Christ's love, as love is life. With this new life comes hope. The hope that tomorrow can be better than today. This is the freedom I've grown to love in Christ.
Meditations, Reflections & Words
The meditations of my heart
Always seem to go one way
Never the path that finds You
Rather leading me astray
The reflections of my soul
Present a broken humanity
Desiring only to be whole
The words of my mouth
Never seem to please even me
So I wonder if they find You
Ever smiling at me...
The moments of my life
Always fall short of my dreams
Which make me question -
Why dream if I lack the means?
But God, the faith You've given me,
Moves me from this moment to the next,
Though I know not where it ends,
I know You'll be there with every step.
And God, the love You've shown me,
Instills peace that I'll never understand.
So I need not know all of Your plans,
Rather I give You my life, all that You demand.
Oh God, how marvelous Your hope,
The belief that tomorrow can be better than today
Cause in this moment, with Your grace,
I can forget the sorrows of yesterday
It is here I recognize Your Son, Your Savior,
A salvation that frees me eternally,
With Your love that pursues relentlessly,
Ever presently, always releasing me...